The Vanishing Act

2008-12-31T00:48:00.001Z

GOING BACK TO THE NOTEBOOK - 2009 -

84LBS

Food avoidance
No excuses
No binges
COME 2009 - THE MIN OF - I AM BACK

DO not LET ME DOWN!

2008-12-30T08:58:00.002Z

the plan in simple terms
31st: 11-3 / 7-CLOSE NOTHING
1nd: 1- CLOSE NOTHING
2nd: 3rd: 6-CLOSE (Lunch) 400
4th: 12-7 NOTHING
5th: 6- CLOSE (Lunch) 400
6th: 12-3 / 6-CLOSE NOTHING
7th: 12-3 NOTHING
8th: Leave for Durham

Kept 29th - no food - but day off posed issues - but not too worried - was 8.8 last night - so this is majorally easily fixable within a short time - and now working on the second which was the second issue.

adding to new years resolutions - no choc, junk and avoid bread and cereal too

2008-12-29T09:58:00.000Z

Анорексия протекает в несколько этапов. Начальный период — формирование недовольства внешностью, сопровождаемое заметной потерей веса. Затем следует аноректический период — снижение массы тела на 20—30%. При этом больной активно убеждает себя и окружающих в отсутствии у него аппетита и изнуряет себя большими физическими нагрузками. Из-за искаженного восприятия своего тела пациент недооценивает степень похудения. Объем циркулирующей в организме жидкости уменьшается, что вызывает гипотонию и брадикардию. Это состояние сопровождается зябкостью, сухостью кожи и аллопецией. Еще один клинический признак -- прекращение менструального цикла у женщин и снижение полового влечения и сперматогенеза у мужчин. Также нарушается функция надпочечников вплоть до надпочечниковой недостаточности. Последний период — кахексический — снижение веса на 50% и более. При этом возникают безбелковые отеки, нарушается водно-электролитный баланс, резко снижается уровень калия в организме. Электролитные нарушения на этом этапе могут привести к смерти. По статистике, без лечения летальность больных нервной анорексией составляет 5—10%.

My thinspiration

2008-12-28T22:27:00.000Z

Elle l'a fait - moi je peux aussi

the plan in simple terms

2008-12-28T21:45:00.005Z

29th: 3-CLOSE NOTHING - Throw away lunch - now shopping in morning
30th: OFF NOTHING - DO SOMETHING!!!
31st: 11-3 / 7-CLOSE NOTHING - NOTHING - NO EXCUSE YOU ARE AT WORK!
1st: 1- CLOSE NOTHING - I'm at work all day...
2nd: OFF (NOTHING - LONDON IT UP = Tattoo of 2 falling feathers
3rd: 6-CLOSE (Lunch) - Soup and fruit salad 400
4th: 12-7 NOTHING
5th: 6- CLOSE (Lunch) - Soup and fruit salad 400
6th: 12-3 / 6-CLOSE NOTHING - STAY IN SPLIT AND READ
7th: 12-3 NOTHING - STAY OVER IN HOTEL ROOM
8th: Leave for Durham

I know what you are thinking - I cant do it for 2 days how will you do it for 5 days? Because I will win the fight in my head because I'm running out of time and I know I can do it - so why wait?

When that thought to eat comes into my head and I start to make excuses that is when I need to concentrate and get out of the house without any money at all. Also weighed myself today and I am disgusted to say I was 122.5lbs - that is 10.5lbs I have put on in 3 weeks. But I have also lost that in a week. So If I dont eat for 5 I should be back to there and then I will lose more and more and more :-) Will weigh myself on the second of jan in the morning - not until then. And I will not go astray from the plan...

screw up

2008-12-28T21:06:00.002Z

My willpower is flagging because it is almost new year - thank god. Didnt eat until 8pm then ate a lot. Tomorrow mummy wants to go to Primark but I do not want to eat - have lunch in room and throw it away. I have to battle with the willpower more and more. I know I can work on an empty stomach and I know that if I make it tomorrow I can make it without suspicion to new year - as long as I dont think i cant - battle with willpower and get thinner!!

New Years Resolutions

2008-12-27T20:20:00.004Z

1 - I will weigh 84lbs by my birthday

2 - I will not eat any chocolate or junk food ever this year (including options hot chocs) nor binge

3 - I will drink diet coke and water to the max and only ever have 1 400kcal meal a day.

4 - I will do at least 50 sit-ups every single day

5 - I will go to the library as often as possible and stay on top of reading as much as possible

4 DAY MINI PLAN

2008-12-27T19:48:00.004Z

Sunday 28th: 12-8: NO FOOD
Have a long long long lay-in ... work... get back and don't eat - read hero of our times in ENGLISH.

Monday 29th: 3-close: NO NO NO FOOD
Walkage to workage - get dropped off at library maybe and read something in French!!!! Walk up to work... then sleeepsies!

Tuesday 30th: OFF: Tattoo in London? Escape and sleep early

Wednesday 31st: 11-3... 7-close: NO FOOD. NO MATTER WHAT - You aren't serving all the food nor working THAT much...

Have a mega long lie-in and get dropped off at work, stay and sleep in split... Prepare for happy days.

NO EXCUSES- Do not screw up- just read work and relax and you will be amazing x

OH YES IT IS NEW YEARS FREAKING DAY... The BEST day of the YEAR!

Bring on 2009

2008-12-27T19:39:00.002Z

Up down up down up down eat dont eat eat dont eat and so on and so on and so on...

Got better at uni - then got dragged to the doctors and got really behind on work - got to just under 8 stone again - now I am back home and after 2 and a half weeks am way back up again. So I'mback on here with a plan, it's almost new year with the bestestest willpower time of the year and this is the year. This is the year I turn 20, this is the year I will weigh 6 stone- yes. This is the year I go on my year abroad and the year before that that I sit my second year exams. It is a scary year. I am not fucking up again. I believe I can do it - I have to care less what people will think of me - avoid the downfalls and set myself some resolutions...

27th of December... 28 29 30 31. 4 days until THE YEAR. Four days... four freaking days. Basically I am starting early now I am miserable enough to make it work. Still to the mini plan until the resolutions kick into action on new years day. Oh yes. This is THE year.

2008-09-30T20:31:00.002+01:00

bloody hell.

thats all i can say. mamma mia with gel was awesome...

however. food. rubbish.

9pm no food, no food tomorrow, stay at hotel no food thursday, stay at hotel, walk back, pack, train, durham.

week of apples and shakes.
control binging and read.

2008-09-25T21:10:00.000+01:00

JUST BOUGHT Marc by Marc Jacobs watch... this means I must now not fuck up!

2008-09-25T19:54:00.002+01:00

ok. so i'm a massive screw-up. doing gel a fave and going back on fri hopefully staying at hotel on wed and thurs eve hopefully. i'm not screwing up again i know i keep saying but i have a week now fri- fri. plan as follows...

fri - no food
sat - 300kcal lunch
sun - lunch at sog's n tiff's
mon - no food
tue - small dinner 400kcal
wed - no food
thu - no food
fri - last dinner

sat to sat eat apple and drink shake - 350kcal a day

RIGHT NOW

2008-09-23T09:06:00.002+01:00

It starts RIGHT NOW. I cannot carry on like this. I am a total mess. And I will get stuck doing the same thing every day until it gets worse and I'm properly sick and properly binge. And I don't want to do that at all. I need to be realistic. But I also need to be extreme straight off. When I get back to Durham I will bring food back slowly. As it stands I shouldn't watch cook programs, nor eat at all, until I go to Sophies for dinner on Sunday.

Thats no food wednesday, thursdy, friday or saturday. Diet coke galore. No diet pills or I can't have the coke and I'll never survive it.

It is going to be really hard coz I'm stuck in a rut. Tomorrow when I get home I will want to eat but I CANT. I CANNOT. It will only be my fault. MINE ALONE. Will be 8 stone on MOnday if I do it right. NO binges. No diet pills and no laxatives. One will bring on the rest.

2008-09-23T08:30:00.002+01:00

this is not going well. at all. think i'm possibly turning bulimic. how do i convert back? HOW!?

major plan not to be ruined..

today staying at hotel. getting home at 6...hopefully meet alex in eve. NO food tomorrow. she says whilst eatin a biccie. BLAGH.

How the hell do i always seem so tough when im a total wreck

2008-09-18T19:55:00.003+01:00

I am SUCH a loser. SUCH A LOSER. SUCH A FUCKING TWAT TWIT SHIT HEAD FUCK BRAIN TOTAL FUCKING SHITTTTTT HEAD.

Get back from Morocco - weigh 8 stone. Now weigh 8.4 and now prbably more. Dont eat ten binge then try and be sick for it to produce mass amounts of flem and nothing else. Cry for ages. Tell myself it will be better tomorrow then fuck up the tomorrow.Not long til doctors dont want to be fat but cant stop myself mut stop doing this am making myself miserable.

Ate

56kcal soup
400kcal branflakes
400kcal cheese sandwich
200kcal toast
500kcal icecream
180kcal cookies
180kcal wrap
140kcal beans
130kcal cheese

and fuck there was probably more. That's so disgusting. Took 3 laxatives in a hope that it will work better than 2. HOW CAN I DO THIS 3 DAYS IN A ROW? HO IS THAT ACTUALLY POSSIBLE? HOW??

SO here is the plan...

Tomorrow eat NOTHING and buy a trampette and DO not stop jumping until 3000kcal is reached. May take a while but OH well you are dumb and shouldn't have done it ANYWAY.

Saturday eat NOTHING. DO NOT EAT WHEN YOU GET HOME. GO OUT. ANYWHERE... ANYWHERE. MEET SOMEONE.

Sunday GO TO WORK AND DONT EAT ANYTHING. AT ALL

Monday DONT EAT ANYTHING.

I'M NOT EATING FOR A WEEK. EVERY DAY I WILL WANT TO FUCK IT UP BUT I MUSN'T I MUSN'T.

SERIOUSLY DON'T DO IT.

WHY ARE YOU SUCH A FUCKWITT?

I am actually making myself totally miserable. It has to stop. I don't know how. 3 days i've known about the doctors. I could have lost 5 lbs by now. BUT no. NO IM A TOTAL SHITHEAD. SO i'm not eating until I've been to the doctors. Everytime i want to eat I will run away.

Tomorrow i'm in Durham. Easy. Literally exersize all day
Saturday i'm in Durham and home. Pretend to eat on train. ITS UP TO YOU.
Sunday is a brekkie shift. Walk home. Parents at nann grans
Monday who knows- could be doctors. Best hope it's not hey.

2008-09-14T17:01:00.002+01:00

back from morocco weighed 8 stone then have had 2 day binge with varoius attempts at being sick without success. going to fast. monday through sunday. dont care if i faint at work or if im shit i am going to drink water only, hve no excuses. cant ruin it again again again again again.

got to make this work. will be 7 1,2 by sunday woop. only if i make it work tho x

2008-08-31T23:23:00.000+01:00

NEW START

a new september

2008-08-31T23:21:00.001+01:00

got to start afresh.

getting really fat unsurprisingly coz i keep binging again and tomorrow I HAVE to do this. I am really making myself quite depressed. Shockingly however my legcut still hasnt pissedoff since june and i havent had a period even though I have now unfortunately eaten pretty normally for 2 months.. what is going on with me

6pm Morocco challenge

2008-08-29T16:27:00.002+01:00

As of 6pm tonight I am NOT eating until I am in Morocco. It is the Morocco challenge. Here is how...

Tomorrow I am working 7-5... hopefully meeting Abi/ walking home.
Sunday I am going to Cardiff will need to leave early and will get back very very late.

Dont know whats happening Monday and Tuesday but after 2 good days I will be better I know. I hope.

Cant go on like this x

moroccccccco

2008-08-26T09:31:00.002+01:00

Ok. I also just decided that by Morocco I have have have to be at Target 2 because in Morocco I won't put on weight and I might lose it - but if I come back still over 8 i will cry.

2008-08-26T09:26:00.000+01:00

no dairy. no carbs and for 30 hours no damn food.

go.

first dairy lapse leading to first binge. blah.

2008-08-26T09:11:00.002+01:00

as soon as it hits 9.30 that is it again. Dairy doesn't taste nice but I keep going back for it.

THE 30 HOUR CHALLENGE

Simple. Do not eat for 30 hours, then proceed only to eat the chicken baguette without cheese or sauces.

Start time - 9.30.
Finish time - 3.30 - ready for car ride to Durham avec maman.

2008-08-25T16:53:00.002+01:00

J'ai mange aujourd'hui pourtant j'ai du marcher partout au travailet donc cela n'est pas completement fatal, non? Bah j'ai mange...

encore une fois trop de pain... je cherche quelque chose qui peut le remplacer mais en ce moment j'essaie de ne pas manger les choses dairy et je ne veut pas abondonner cela. J'essayerai apres que je n'aurai pas mange dairy pour une semaine ou deux.

Alors

Du pain.... et du miel peut-etre 4 fois
ettt du pate avec des mixed beans et dressing miel-moutard...

je pense que cela fait a peut pres 1200 kcal... je ne suis pas sure mais je suis heureuse meme si je mange car je ne mange pas 4000 dans 20 minute sans arrets!! finalement!!!

The coming week...

2008-08-24T07:16:00.002+01:00

Monday...11-4
Tuesday...6-close
Wednesday...12-3
Thursday...OFF
Friday... 6-close
Saturday...7-6
Sunday...OFF

Which means my week will go like this.

m - no food. Walk home if not raining... rach?
t - apple breakfast. london with lau k and work.
w - apple breakfast. lunch work. dinner durham 500kcal.
t - drive home. 1000kcal - lunch + dinner
f - no food and work
s - apple breakfast and work
s - ? not sure... 1000kcal.

Yesterday and today...

2008-08-24T07:05:00.003+01:00

236
236
100
30
120
50
150

922kcal.

I didn't eat yesterday... I ate this morning. Alot. Now I won't eat again if I can help it.

I am 116.5lbs again woop. Tomorrow I will hopefully be the same and then it can go down again.

Target 3. 104lbs. Tattoo. Distractions

2008-08-22T18:58:00.004+01:00

When I reach target 4 I can have a tattoo and go to London again on my own for the day to walk around.

Until then only a trip with Lau K is permitted.

The rest of the time I must suffer and find other things to do. Yay. This is it. I can feel it this time. Like this Sunday...... hmmm...... cannot under any circumstances be at home around lunch time. Could I read somewhere else? Will have to ponder this problem. I am already faking lunch tomorrow. Love this. Cannot binge on branflakes without soya milk and mum didn't buy that today. Thank god.

No dairy. Then later we can deal with the carbs. Not too much in one go.

THE TARGETS.

2008-08-22T18:06:00.002+01:00

Current weight: Unknown. But I will say 119lbs. So bigger first drop but when I reach 112 I am on my way baby x

Target 1 : 112lbs
Target 2 : 108lbs
Target 3: 104lbs
Target 4: 100lbs
Target 5: 96lbs
Target 6: 92lbs
Target 7: 88lbs
Target 8: 84lbs

Thats only a drop of 4lbs inbetween goals. Which could take as little as 2 days :-) Obviously I expect the whole thing to take a little longer. But by Christmas I will be there.

Food today.

2008-08-22T17:47:00.002+01:00

365kcal chicken salad baguette no cheese
200kcal pringles
200kcal rivetta
200kcal dinner
180kcal 2 slices of bread

1145kcal day

Not bad for a day on the road

I love not eating dairy.

Made this decision yesterday. No cheese. No chocolate. No butter. No peanut butter. No cheesecake. No lots of fatty stuff!! Yipeee why didn't I think of this before? Because it isn't 4 random things and its a whole group I'm less inclined to break it. Yay. No dairy.

Holiday over. Tomorrow let it begin.

2008-08-22T17:33:00.002+01:00

Ok. Well first things first. I was dreading this weekend for the lack of work but NOW I am working 3-close tomorrow and 4-close on sunday. So i am not not not eating. When I find out my shifts next week I shall decide what I am doing then... but my aim for 112 is still on for monday. It probably wont happen but if I weigh myself in the evening with another day of no food it might come close.

Going to Hertford avec maman demain matin and then walking into work for 3 and getting changed there. The next day i might try and meet abi at the pub... lets see that idea now... x x

quatre cent calories... je vais gagner!!

2008-08-18T21:17:00.002+01:00

Bah aujourd'hui j'ai encore une fois trop manger pour sentir comme je ne suis pas trop laide.Bah qu'est-ce que je peux faire en vacances? Mais demain pour le petit dej je vais manger une pomme puis du yaourt. Cela fait 100kcal. Apres pour le dej du salade avec cola light. Cela fait environ... bah ... 150kcal. Et pour le diner avec mes parents... du riz puis de la jelly sans lipides. Cela fait encore 150-200 kcal. Cela fait.... pour la journee entiere... 450. Parfait. Mais faut pas manger plus... d'acc?

Overeat gym

2008-08-17T17:41:00.002+01:00

Was doing really well this morning right up until about 3. Had eaten fruit for breakfast as planned and a non existent salad for lunch. Then came popcorn, soup, toast times 4 and cornthins. Nothing horrendous just far too much. Not over 2000 I don't think. Popcorn not that bad because we popped it so it wasn't smothered in butter and syrup. Then burnt 300kcal at the gym in 40mins on cross trainer. So overall it could hve been worse. Just try harder tomorrow.

Apple and yogurt for breakfast
Crab salad for lunch
Soup for dinner or fake BIG snack. Mwahahahahaha

No snacks because something wont go to plan. But this way I've had 300 and have another 300 for family unavoidables.

On holiday...

2008-08-17T09:45:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was un petit cauchmar but today I am so determined to keep to the 400-600 limit. Had 200 already according to health coach. GOTTA love that. and thts banana, apple and blueberries. So going to make up a salad and have soup for the other meal. WOop

2008-08-16T08:54:00.003+01:00

I forgot to mention Gel asked me on Thursday if I would think about going to see someone with her after she got back from holiday. She said it would make her feel better because if anything ever happened and she hadn't tried well you know. I was like... er... I'll think. How scary would that be.

400-600. Quick fake breakfast. x

Best song ever.

2008-08-15T23:56:00.001+01:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold meI am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold meI am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I am really really scared about next week. I am going to give it all I got but I'm really really scared.

Lost and found

2008-08-15T17:40:00.003+01:00

Found her again finally. I still have eaten too much over the past 4 days after hotel however I feel her again. She's there. I am going to weigh 84. Here are the stages. Without the time limits - they are one by one.

CW - 119
TW1 - 110
TW2 - 105
TW3 - 100
TW4 - 95
TW5 - 90
ULW - 84

tw1 WILL be reached whilst on my week holiday. Here is how - keep it between 400-600. Never more, hopefully less.

Tomorrow. Couscous salad- heavily just salad.
Fruit salad - mango, 1 kiwi, blueberries.
Evening - soup. 75kcal per 2 PORTIONS!!!

get up early and fake breakfast if you can. Ice cream truck - mini milk 30kcal. Eat out - salad with sauce on side.

When it rains it pours.

2008-08-13T15:10:00.002+01:00

Stayed at the hotel last night. Lots of things happened. Wen't to meet Russianists after meal and went for drink but before I went into pub to wait for lift and Gel asked what I was running away from and then for the first time in ages she asked me about food and everything and I didn't say much and might see if I can speak tomorrow or friday. Anyhow when Alice drove me back she said that Bowden had questioned them all about me :-( Really freaking out something is going to happen. Then this morning Suzy talked to me don't know how it came up. Why does it happen in one go. Last night I kept waking up thinking I was dying again even though it has been 2 days and today I have eaten shitloads coz of dinner lunch and uncles. ARGHHH

Need to vent to Gel so she understands

400 and DONE.

2008-08-12T08:10:00.003+01:00

173kcal pasta
46kcal cottage cheese
46kcal
46kcal - 2 jaffas
104kcal yogurt

415kcal. Done.

When I woke up this morning and realised I'd done it I was really really happy. This morning I weigh 117.5 which is a pound less despite the mid binge yay. In a week I could be 110 again!!

400

2008-08-11T19:35:00.002+01:00

thought it would be more of a control challange to stick to 400 and under because 0 is unachievable and unrealistic and when I break it I will binge. Today I ate 106kcal yogurt and a small bowl or brown rice, cucumber, cottage cheese low fat and kidney beans. Under 400 for sure. :-)

tomorrow I will eat breakfast and NOT eat and then I am working at 12 and staying at pub. Getting to hertford somehow later on for a drink and then going back and sleeping at pub. When I wake up I will go to work at 6.30 and finish at 3. Mum takes me home where I have 400kcal dinner and get in car. The day afterwards I will meet nicola and have 400kcal lunch coz no dindins (work at 6-10) and the day after I am meeting rach andthen having lunch at home and working at 7. 400kcal lunch. YAY I CAN DO IT! X

2008-08-10T21:12:00.000+01:00

IF YOU DON'T EAT , YOU WON'T BINGE

2008-08-10T20:53:00.002+01:00

chewing gum and diet coke. Health doesn't matter. Don't let it stop you. Real effort please. Real real effort. REAL EFFORT!

flash FLASH flash FLASH! I wonder if I could stay at the hotel and read books tuesday afternoon and stay over night - I have a breakfast shift. Might ask if there are any free and then how much that would be.

And It starts now. It shouldn't need a start time. I made the decision. THIN OVER HEALTH. and that is that. Those girls were fine and I will be pretty and thin. No need for the bread. Will go to sleep get up and everything will be wonderful. This time next week I could be under 8 stone and in a month I could be 7 :-) x

shit... OPERATION DODGEMS

2008-08-10T20:34:00.002+01:00

I ate a slice of chicken at 9kcal and then I was gone. Ok I'm a total twat but I knew this wasn't going to be easy. As soon as a plan changes that doesn't mean I can binge. My new plan is the as long as possible plan. Basically it is Monday tomorrow. A new new week. Tomorrow I'm working at 6.30 til 3 going straight to London. Just drink water and diet coke which won't be a problem because I'm not with family and then tuesday I'm not going to the meal god knows what where I will hide for 5 hours which isn't at home that could be a breaking point will have to be really really really really careful. Wednesday I am doing a breakfast again but it wont be that busy so dont use that as an excuse then I shall dodge dinner and then it will be thursday. Nicola wont expect me to have much and I can say I had tons then Im working. As of tomorrow i'm not counting calories. I am avoiding and throwing stuff away. THe first thing i eat without making an effort will kill me.

OPERATION DODGEMS

Deana lemon

2008-08-10T19:09:00.002+01:00

Deana was SO cute this morning when I was setting up breakfast.. I got in and nothing had been done and I have never set up on my own before and so whilst I was doing the milk and butter Deana helped me... and ate lots of lemon melon :-P and raisins and gave me my first Deana hug. Adorable.

2008-08-10T19:03:00.002+01:00

No... I don't think I will... will I? No. I'll have diet coke when mum gets in. Where is my water bottle. What is the point of eating when I don't have to? There isn't.. So don't.

118.5lbs... it could have been much much worse

2008-08-10T19:00:00.001+01:00

I'm stuck I don't know whether to eat 400kcal or not! My thoughts are I am now walking around London with Katie tomorrow and probs not going to restaurant. Thus should I revert to my 400 a day plan or will I be unable to stop if I start... ?

Persuasion help. FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

2008-08-09T23:12:00.003+01:00

Miu miu clutch and THIN. FOCUS. Do not fuck up.

I'm a joke and j'ai changé d'avis

2008-08-09T21:25:00.002+01:00

Well wen't to London with mum today and I'm still scared she thinks it and I got scared even though she doesn't at all but I ate ALOT. However... I have changed my fast plan momentarily. I have a week sunday to saturday plan and a holiday plan too...

SUNDAY - 7.30- 5.00. Walk home... family at nans... NO FOOD AT ALL.

MONDAY - 6.30 - 3.00. Walk home maybe... throw away food. NO FOOD AT ALL.

TUESDAY - 12-3. Walk to work unless it is raining and walk back... have shower and go to Meal :-(

WEDNESDAY - 6.30 - 3. Get picked up. Packet soup. 64kcal incase I need 336kcal at Uncle's.

THURSDAY - FREE DAY. Keep it at 400kcal. Work 6-10.

FRIDAY - WORK 7-close. 400kcal.

ALL WEEK 400KCAL ON HOLIDAY. EASY. BUY LOADS OF SALAD AND AT MEALS MAKE IT LOOK HUGE. 100kcal soups and salad and fruit salad. PEASY SQUEAZY.

Need to try as hard as possible not to binge. Got to break it. Monday is test day.

A new day has come... thank you Celine Dion :-)

2008-08-08T12:38:00.002+01:00

Made the decision this morning that If I want something to change and the binges to stop then I can't starve myself. I will always eat 400kcal a day at least until I am 7.10 stone and after that, when I have proved to have more control over myself then I can starve for a day or two at a time. Not til then. NO STARVE, NO BINGE.

Food today:

3/4 Mango...

4 28kcal rice cakes

1 tin 120kcal soup

3 celery sticks

80kcal cottage cheese

412kcal.

6 OF HEARTS.

2008-08-07T16:37:00.002+01:00

I was back to 112lbs a week ago. I dread to think where I am now. I make myself want to cry! If I stick to no food tomorrow followed by 400 forever I have to lose weight. I have to. Here I go. My tablets will help lots -

9 - 1 - 5 - 9 and no food an hour before or afterwards. So I can't eat tomorrow breakfast before I meet rach and I wont take enough money to eat anything afterwards.

Saturday I am working breakfast 7.30 - 3pm and then I can't eat til dinner and I might not or I will try and have the controlled 400kcal. I can have soup and my mango. Not together.

Sunday I am working 7.30 - 5pm and will try not to eat to kick start the diet. IT IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL. DON'T OVER PLAN ANYTHING. X

Game On

2008-08-07T16:21:00.000+01:00

400kcal. As of tomorrow. Forever. Achievable. Careful on the breakfasts...

Never more
Preferably less

400 is the top limit

and I am not going to fuck this up
again and again and
again. I can't take it. Tomorrow get up and run out of the house. Avoidance is key.

Don't let me down.

Watch me...

This is my vanishing act.